I Loved You Once in Silence
Authors: Kitty and Annie
Email authors: Here
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Trent and Carlos
Series: Love Changes Everything -- Story One
It was a warm sunny Texas afternoon that found Carlos at Trent's apartment. Having no work on their current cases to do, they were spending the afternoon watching the baseball game.
The doorbell rang and Trent got up to answer it. The mailman, with a package in his arms along with the regular stack of mail, stood at the door. "Something special for me, Mike?" Trent asked, curiously.
"This is addressed to you -- marked personal and urgent," the mail carrier replied.
Trent signed for the receipt of the package.
"OK -- you have a good day, Trent," Mike said as he left.
Trent went back into the livingroom and dumped the mail and package on the coffee table and sat back down on the couch without really looking at either.
"What's the package?" Carlos asked, his curiosity showing.
"I don't know. I'll look at it later," Trent said, dismissing the box and turning his attention back to the game.
Carlos snagged the package across the table and looked at it. He saw that it was marked 'Urgent! To Trent Malloy -- Personal and Confidential.' "It's marked 'Urgent!' right here on the package," Carlos pointed out, wondering to himself how Trent could just ignore the package.
"Yes, I saw that, Carlos. I'll look at it later," Trent said, not taking his attention away from the TV and the game.
"But what if it's important?" Carlos continued.
"Carlos, will you put the package down and watch the game?" Trent asked, not really wanting to open the package with Carlos there.
"But why would it be marked 'Urgent!' if it wasn't urgent?" Carlos pushed his friend.
Trent turned his attention away from the game. "Carlos, you're doing a very good imitation of a six year old on Christmas morning!" Trent said, a little harsher than he meant to. Carlos didn't say anything but looked a little hurt. Trent hadn't meant to hurt his friend's feelings. Trent sighed and reached over and took the package from Carlos who brightened perceptibly.
There was no name on the return address, but the city the package was mailed from was familiar, very familiar. **No way to know what it is until you open it,** Trent thought. He knew he had little choice but to see what was in it if he wanted to watch the rest of the game in peace. Opening the package, Trent removed a letter placed on the top of a lot of packing material. He dug around in the packing and withdrew a small box. He decided to read the letter before opening the box.
Dear Trent,
I finally managed to get the courage to go through the things that were sent to us by the army when Bryan was killed. I know it's been several years, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it before this. I know I don't have to tell you what a special man Bryan was. Perhaps I felt that by not looking at these things of his the army sent I somehow was making his death less real? I'm not sure. I only know I couldn't do it until now.
When going through the things I found the enclosed and thought you would like to have them. It's only right considering your relationship with Bryan. I even managed to convince our father it was the right thing to do. He actually agreed! Dad has come to accept this part of Bryan's life since his untimely passing. I still don't think he understands it, but he accepts it.
I wish you well in all you do and know I still think of you fondly. I was always so happy for you and Bryan and the special love you shared, no matter how unconventional the world at large thought it was.
All my best,
Sarah
A whirl of emotions and memories came flooding back. Many of them were good, but at the mention of Bryan's death, only the bad ones were staying with Trent. He looked at the box and guessed the contents. He wasn't sure he wanted to open the box at all. Without even knowing how, he saw his hands putting down the letter and picking up the small box and opening it to reveal Bryan's dog tags. Taking them out of the box and putting the box back on the table he just stared at them and the name embossed on them, Bryan Mitchell. The rest of the world went away as he stared, unable to stop the tears, not wanting to.
Carlos watched as Trent seemed to come apart. Whatever he was holding in his hands was affecting him strongly -- very strongly -- and he wanted to know what was causing this much distress to Trent. No, he *needed* to know -- so he could see what he could do to help.
Trent had been his best friend for as long as he could remember and he couldn't stand to see him upset like this. In fact the only other time he ever saw Trent upset even close to this was when his father, Thunder Malloy, had died. **What's causing Trent this much distress?** he wondered. The letter Trent read was lying on the coffee table and Trent was still clutching whatever it was in his hands tightly as the tears continued to run down his face. Carlos first shut off the TV then reached over to take the letter from the table and read it. Trent didn't even notice.
After reading the letter Carlos felt a mix of emotions running through him -- mostly confusion. It was very obvious that Trent and Bryan had been lovers but what did that mean? This was something he didn't know about his best friend. It didn't change a thing as far as he was concerned, but it did raise questions about himself.
Carlos continued to watch the tears roll down Trent's face, seeming to be out of control with his feelings, not aware of what was going on around him. "Trent?" Carlos said softly, but his friend didn't respond. "Trent, we need to talk about this," he tried again to reach Trent. When Trent finally looked up at him the look he had on his face and in his eyes tore at Carlos's heart right down to his soul. Trent was hurting, even more than he thought. No matter what, Carlos was going to get through to his friend -- he had to help him -- and let him know his feelings.
Trent heard his name being called. It sounded far away. He looked up to see Carlos looking at him with concern. "Carlos?" Trent said.
Carlos moved over on the couch closer to where Trent was sitting, closing the physical distance between them. He wanted to get Trent to focus on him and the closer he was the more likely that would happen. Then maybe he could get through to him. "Talk to me, buddy," Carlos said holding the letter in his hand. "Tell me about Bryan, about your relationship with him," Carlos encouraged, trying to get his friend to open up.
Trent looked from Carlos to the letter he was holding in his hand and back at the dog tags. After a moment Trent looked back up at Carlos who was still holding the letter from Sarah and looking at him full of concern and compassion. "I...," Trent said, then looked back at the dog tags in his hand.
"What's in your hand Trent?" Carlos prompted. He was getting close and he just had to push a little more to get through to Trent, get him to open up.
Trent heard his name again and looked back up at Carlos.
"I'm right here, buddy -- tell me what's going on," Carlos said. "Show me what's in your hand," he added, more firmly now, hoping that would make Trent focus, concentrate on him.
"It's Bryan's dog tags," Trent said simply, in answer to Carlos's question, "Sarah sent them to me." He moved his hand a little towards Carlos so he could see them.
"I know who Bryan is, buddy -- it's in the letter. Sarah sent you this letter and she's Bryan's sister, right?" he asked. Carlos put the letter back on the table with the packing box. Not waiting for an answer Carlos kept talking to Trent, not wanting him to lose focus now that he had finally reached him. "Tell me about Bryan -- your relationship with him. Please, Trent -- I can help, believe me I can help, but you've got to talk to me," Carlos was pleading with him now.
"But...," Trent said, still looking at Carlos, moving his hand back.
Carlos didn't waver -- his eyes met Trent's in a steady gaze. "I know about your relationship with Bryan, Trent," Carlos said softly. "You loved Bryan very much and he loved you," he said, his understanding coming through loud and clear.
Trent looked back down at Bryan's dog tags, then he looked back up at Carlos.
"I understand Trent, believe me I do. This doesn't change a thing between us. You're my best friend and always will be. I'll always be here for you, no matter what," Carlos said, wanting to tell him what was really on his mind but this just wasn't the right time. What Trent needed right now was his best friend to be there for him, to give him the friendship and support he needed to get through this rough time.
Carlos decided to try one more thing to get through -- he had to break it wide open for Trent or his best friend might never share what he had been hiding for so long. "I know that you and Bryan were lovers. He made you happy, didn't he?" Carlos asked.
Trent moved his thumb back and forth over the dog tags in his hand but continued to look at Carlos, not willing to look away again.
"Look, man, I know this is hard, but you can tell me anything, you know that," Carlos said. "What was your relationship like with Bryan?" he asked one more time, hoping Trent would face it head on like he knew he could.
Trent continued to just stare at Carlos. The words Carlos was speaking weren't getting through to him, but Carlos's concern for him was. Carlos was talking to him. "Carlos?" Trent said, trying to focus on Carlos.
"Yes, Trent, it's me -- Carlos," he said, starting to feel encouraged that Trent was aware of him and that he was hearing him. But no matter what approach Carlos tried he couldn't seem to get Trent to talk to him, to open up and let his feelings out. It was important, vitally important, that his friend release what was going on inside him.
Carlos had been battling his own feelings for Trent for years now and he would deny them no longer. He always knew that his feelings for Trent ran deeper than those of a best friend or brother, even though he never told him. Now he would no longer keep his feelings inside -- he would share them now no matter what happened.
Carlos noticed that Trent's gaze hadn't wavered from him in some time. Thinking he might try something other than words to reach him, slowly Carlos leaned closer to Trent and captured his lips in a soft, tender kiss that surprised even him with the intensity of emotion that he felt.
Trent closed his eyes shutting out the world that had just so recently and so quickly spun out of control. He concentrated on the kiss, Carlos's kiss.
Carlos realized that Trent wasn't resisting him or the kiss and he took that as an opportunity to deepen the kiss. He applied a little more pressure to Trent's lips, followed by his tongue seeking entry into Trent's mouth to taste what he had wanted to taste for many years. He moved very slowly and carefully, mindful of the fact that Trent was so far away. He didn't have any intention of taking advantage of this man for whom his feelings were so strong.
Trent parted his lips to allow Carlos to deepen the kiss. Carlos was kissing him. He needed to concentrate on that and nothing else.
Carlos decided to break the kiss -- reluctantly -- but he wanted to give Trent time to react. He gently completed it and pulled away slowly. He waited for Trent to look at him, which took only seconds as his best friend's eyes slowly opened.
Trent didn't want the kiss to end, but it did. He opened his eyes and looked at Carlos.
Carlos very gently took Trent's hand in his, and again, just as gently, he opened the hand and removed the dog tags. He placed them back in the box and laid the box on the table then turned his attention back to Trent.
Trent watched as his best friend removed the dog tags from his hand. He followed Carlos's movements with his eyes, never letting the dog tags out of his sight until Carlos closed the box and put it on the coffee table. He continued to look at the closed box on the table for several more seconds before looking away from it, turning his attention back towards Carlos, keeping his gaze downcast as he did so. Slowly Trent raised his now empty hand and put it on Carlos's upper arm then raised his gaze to meet Carlos's.
Carlos smiled the most loving, caring smile he had and continued to look at Trent while he put one arm around him, drawing Trent closer to him slowly, allowing Trent the time to relax and to react to what was happening. He began to caress Trent's cheek with the back of his other hand, softly and gently. He leaned closer and brought his lips to Trent's for another kiss -- a little more powerful this time, but not demanding, just exploring.
Trent looked at Carlos smiling at him. He had always liked Carlos's smile. But this one was different, better. It was a smile meant for him alone. The faintest trace of a smile touched Trent's own lips as Carlos put his arm around him and drew him close. It felt good, it felt safe. As Carlos touched his cheek, then started to kiss him again, Trent realized that his world was no longer spinning out of control. He kissed Carlos back sliding his hand from Carlos's arm to his shoulder and putting his free hand on Carlos's waist then sliding it around to his back.
This was what Carlos had been hoping for -- Trent was relaxing and enjoying what he had to offer him, to show him how much he meant to him. Carlos reveled at having Trent in his arms and he deepened the kiss again, his tongue moving a little more possessively now that he knew Trent was enjoying this. He moaned softly at the way Trent touched him, the feel of his arms around him. This was something he wanted to get very used to.
Trent wasn't sure why Carlos was doing this. Oh, he knew Carlos loved him, that wasn't in question, they were the very best of friends. But Carlos had never shown any interest in men in a romantic way, not that he had ever seen. But at this point, it really didn't matter to Trent why. Carlos was there, he was offering strength and safety, and Trent needed that to keep from falling back into the void he had just managed to crawl out of. Just thinking about that bad place he had just been thrown into and drawn back from made Trent suddenly need to hold on to something. He tightened his hold on Carlos, slipping his hand on Carlos's back under his sweater, touching bare skin. He brought his other hand around Carlos's shoulders hugging him closer and deepening the kiss, boldly capturing Carlos's tongue with his own.
Carlos reacted instinctively to Trent's need and pulled him closer, holding on to him more tightly as he felt Trent's hold on him tighten. He wanted to reassure him that he was OK and that he would take care of him. When Trent's tongue became more bold, Carlos let a little more of his passion shine through. He wanted to show Trent how much he was loved and cared about.
Carlos slid his hands up and down Trent's back in a massaging motion to help ease the tension he could feel in Trent's body. He loved the feel of Trent's hand on his skin and he slowly began to lift Trent's t-shirt out of his pants. He continued to deepen the kiss, his tongue playing with Trent's. The feel of Trent's tongue on his was incredible. Carlos wanted more, much more, but he continued to hold his desires in check because it had to be when and if Trent was ready. He loved this man more than anything and he wouldn't hurt him for the world.
Trent felt Carlos pulling on his shirt in an attempt to free it from his pants. The shirt wasn't cooperating and Trent wanted Carlos to touch him. Trent broke their kiss with the intention of taking off his shirt. But looking at Carlos and the look of love and desire in his eyes, he changed his mind. Trent returned Carlos's gaze -- one filled with just as much love and desire. Never breaking eye contact, Trent took his arms from around Carlos and in turn, removed Carlos's arms from around him. He stood up then reached his hand out to Carlos and smiled.
Carlos took Trent's hand, stood up, and together they walked into the bedroom.
Trent had often wondered what it would be like to be with Carlos in this way. He had only been with one other man in his life, Bryan. With him, it had been a passionate love grown out of a strong friendship. It could be that with Carlos, too, but Trent had never even suspected he would be interested in this. Yet here Carlos was, full of passion, full of love and all directed at him.
Standing next to the bed Carlos looked deeply into Trent's eyes and reached for his shirt once again, pulling it up over his head then letting it fall to the floor. He began by kissing Trent's neck, then worked his way down, licking and sucking on his nipples, while his hands unbuckled Trent's belt and unzipped his pants.
Trent raised his arms over his head as Carlos removed his shirt. He closed his eyes and put his head back as Carlos started kissing his neck. His breath was coming more quickly as Carlos began to move down from his neck and he moaned when Carlos finally found first one then his other nipple.
Carlos knelt down to remove Trent's pants and underwear, tossing them aside on the floor, then standing up once more to face the wonderful, beautiful man standing before him.
When the caress of Carlos's mouth suddenly stopped, Trent opened his eyes and looked down to find him removing his pants and underwear. Trent stepped out of them and Carlos put them aside and stood back up.
Trent smiled at Carlos and stepped into his embrace. His arms went around Carlos and again under his sweater, this time with both his hands. He hiked the sweater up and pulled on it enough that Carlos finally let go of him long enough to raise his arms so he could remove it. He wanted to feel Carlos's skin against his own.
Carlos welcomed Trent into his open arms. Once his sweater was gone, Carlos pulled Trent even closer to himself, to feel his lover's skin next to his own. It made him feel alive and he knew that Trent was becoming more alive now, coming back into reality -- accepting the love and desire that he offered him.
Carlos pulled back just slightly and began to kiss Trent again. He lowered his new lover onto the bed and continued to kiss him all over, each kiss becoming more passionate, his feelings no longer hidden. He wanted Trent and he knew that Trent wanted him. Carlos caught Trent's mouth again in a deep kiss and once again their tongues were a match that lit a fire deep within his soul.
Trent wanted to return the caresses -- he tried. But what Carlos was doing felt so good that he just gave into it -- enjoyed it. He was moaning softly as Carlos kissed him all over with a passion he hadn't felt from another since Bryan. He hadn't known such passion in himself since then either. Carlos finally returned to kiss his mouth again and with such passion Trent could barely breathe. His arms once again surrounded Carlos as they broke the kiss.
"Please, Carlos, I want you inside me," Trent managed to say. He didn't know where he got the voice or the strength to speak -- he only knew he wanted Carlos, he needed him, he wanted to be joined with him.
Carlos looked at Trent and saw the unmistakable look of desire in his eyes and that was all he needed to see -- the words Trent spoke were all he needed to hear. He smiled at Trent, his own desire fully at the surface now. He was ready to give all he had to give. "I'll take it slowly, Trent -- don't worry. I want this to be good for you," Carlos said softly, kissing him once again.
Carlos stood up and removed his own pants and underwear tossing them aside. Trent pointed at the bedside table drawer and Carlos opened it and withdrew a tube of KY Jelly.
Returning to the bed Carlos opened the tube and applied the lubricant, making sure he coated himself very well. When Carlos entered Trent he wanted it to be face to face so that he could feel closer to him -- to see Trent enjoying himself and be able to read his expressions and learn what pleased him. He intended to bring every pleasure possible to Trent and he promised himself he would do just that.
Trent had watched as Carlos took off the remainder of his clothes. He just stared. He couldn't help himself. Carlos returned to him on the bed and began to make himself ready to join with him. Again he could only stare at what was happening.
After preparing Trent with some more of the lubricant, Carlos eased himself inside Trent for the most wondrous feeling he had ever experienced. Their bond now was a further extension of the one they shared as friends and he planned on making this something Trent would never forget. He loved Trent so much and wanted to show him that for the rest of his life. Slowly, as they became adjusted to each other, Carlos began to move inside of Trent. Carlos was paying close attention to Trent's needs and what Trent wanted him to do.
As Carlos began to move, Trent began to moan in earnest. It felt so good. Was this really happening? Was this really Carlos making love to him?
Carlos began to move more inside of Trent after hearing his moans of desire and, as he moved more deeply, he voiced his own feelings and held Trent's body close to his to feel that bond becoming even closer as their passions rose together.
Trent was already enjoying the feel of Carlos inside him and his weight on top of him when Carlos pressed closer, intensifying the feeling. Trent tightened his arms around his lover and could do nothing but moan in pleasure and try to remember to keep breathing.
It was a new, wonderful feeling to be inside the man he loved and had wanted for so many years. Carlos never thought this would ever happen, yet here he was, making love to the man of his dreams, his one true desire in life -- it was all coming true.
Trent managed to focus long enough to look directly into Carlos's eyes -- eyes full of passionate love for him. How had he ever missed seeing it there before?
Carlos noticed that Trent was back in the here and now -- that reality had returned -- and nothing could have pleased him more than to see the pain Trent was going through a few moments before being replaced by the love he was giving to him now. As he continued to move inside Trent, Carlos picked up speed as their desire for each other began to climb even higher, their moans became more frequent, and their breathing was coming out in ragged, shallow breaths. Carlos kissed Trent again and felt himself getting ready to explode inside him. This was the most intense sexual experience of his life and he loved Trent even more for it.
Again Trent's passion swept him away. Carlos was close to his release and so was he. Carlos kissed him again, a kiss filled with more love and passion than Trent had ever felt -- ever.
"I'm ready to come inside you," Carlos said, as softly and as controlled as his breathing would allow.
"Yes... please...," was all Trent was able to say in acknowledgment of Carlos's words.
With Trent's encouragement, and his own needs on the edge, Carlos moved a little faster and deeper inside of Trent. With the last build up of passion and desire -- reaching the highest level ever -- he came inside his lover with such an explosion that his body was shuddering with spasms long after he had completed his climax. He removed himself gently from Trent's body, then lowered himself back down on top him and kissed him very passionately with all the love he had.
Carlos's release inside his body was all that it took to drive Trent over the edge into his own climax. Had it ever been this strong before? This overpowering? Then Carlos was withdrawing himself and lying down on top of him. Carlos was kissing him again and Trent kissed back with all the passion he had left.
"That was wonderful, Trent. You're incredible and I love you so much," Carlos whispered softly. Carlos rolled off of Trent, then pulled him into his arms and held him close to his body.
Trent lay against Carlos with his head on his chest. "I love you, too, Carlos," Trent said, as he snuggled further into Carlos's embrace. Had he ever felt more safe and loved?
After a minute of silence Trent said, "Thank you."
"For what?" Carlos asked, confused.
"For being there for me when I needed you," Trent said.
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